Creative Rebellion Essays: No complaining, no anger
It’s 2020. Time to see clearly. Photo by John S. Couch
Recently, I decided to do a thought experiment. I made an attempt to go through each day without complaining and also not allowing myself to either become angry or react to another person’s anger.
This is much tougher than it seems. The usual internal default mode for most humans is to find something annoying and then complain about it, ostensibly to relieve one’s internal stress about the issue and to spur on some kind of action. What I’ve found is that on a very basic level, complaining is simply a way for one to defer responsibility to another person or situation and essentially cry out for someone else to do something about said issue. The term “complaint” is nuanced and I’m not referring to important complaints about larger social issues (#metoo movement, climate change, et al) but rather the smaller complaints we launch out into the world from a position of feeling imposed on. I find that once complaints are vocalized some stress is released but in reality, at least for me, the concerning issue bounces around in my head and often gains steam. The negativity then becomes a flywheel that fans the embers of discontent and then anger arises.
Complaining and anger are inextricably linked. Like a toxic Moebius strip, constantly looping back on itself.
This experiment was especially taxing for the first couple of days. Unfortunately, over the holidays my whole family was hit with the flu for almost three weeks – the entirety of the holiday. We even went to the ER to get treated. As I was the least sick of the group, I did the caretaking and grocery shopping and cooking. Being sick and trying to not complain or become easily annoyed was a true Zen test.
It was very interesting to note that after a few days of consciously not complaining, that my annoyance and anger levels decreased as well. I realized that a huge amount of complaining comes out of resistance to what is, rather than surrendering to it. In this case, I had to surrender to the reality that my wife, daughter and I were going to be seriously sick during the holidays. And once I surrendered to that, then I didn’t waste time complaining about the injustice of the situation but rather stayed in the moment, which also alleviated anxiety. I stopped worrying about things and simply took action. Challenging to do when one has a constant headache and low-grade fever but I found it was possible.
And dropping the complaining mindset had a secondary effect of making me feel lighter. Like I had dropped a huge weight or burden of injustice of being owed. Owed something intangible but definitely entitled.
It’s not easy and should you decide to try this experiment, you should go easy on yourself if you find yourself slipping a few times a day. But keep at it and it becomes a natural state. Like meditation, it requires mindfulness and practice.
Of course, there are going to be moments that require strong, public statements of discontent but what most social outrage lacks is the necessary next step of actively doing something constructive to deal with the issue at hand. In the same manner, when I complain, I ask myself, am I waiting for someone else to take care of the problem (deferring my own responsibilities) or am I just bellyaching?
We are finally coming out of the terrible flu (thank goodness) and as 2020 unfolds, I’m going to try to continue this experiment in the workplace. As the saying goes, It’s easy to be enlightened in a temple but harder to stay centered in the boardroom or when stuck in LA traffic on the 405 freeway.
Happy new year.
John
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